Putting my health first

I have had a pretty incredible response from my last post about how bodybuilding affected my body image and lifestyle. I'm proud to say that in the past several months I've done a lot of work in this area and settled into a much healthier lifestyle.

Which brings me to today, April 4, 2017. Where do I begin?

Last week while cleaning out my closet I did something I thought I would never do...

I got rid of my precious Lululemons. My muscle shirts. The shirts that I spent hundreds of dollars on just to wear an expensive brand name and feel important in. The tops that displayed so much of what I had put years of work in to achieve. Just writing that gives me chills.

I've had a love/hate relationship with these shirts ever since I stopped bodybuilding and lost most of that muscle. Don't get me wrong, I love Lululemon and I think that their clothes are, for the most part, great quality, and great to train in. But what they represented for me was something different. I think that getting rid of them was something I needed to do to move forward and say farewell for once and for all.

You bet it felt liberating! 

As I've explained before, I took a couple years off training. I trained here and there, back and forth, and attempted different sports and different diets. I yo-yo'd a bit and even tried my hand at powerlifting and olympic lifting. Nothing ever felt quite right.

I feel like I've come full-circle in this journey of fitness, and realised that what I really wanted to train for was my health. 

Nowadays I train in my nicely over sized long sleeve. I don't wear makeup. I roll out of bed and don't even bother walking past the mirror. If my old self could see this, she would be horrified!

I make time to make a healthy breakfast and lunch for the day, and then I get ready with whatever time I have left, and not the other way around like it used to be. Some days this results in not having time to put makeup on or do my hair as I usually would have, and I've beginning to love it. I have never felt so accepting of myself.

The best part of this is that by caring more about my health and less about my outward appearance, I feel and look better from the inside out. My skin looks healthier. I have more energy... I am happier.

I no longer have this burden of needing to update 'followers' on my fitness blog, or feeling like I need to color-coordinate my workout clothes. I stopped following accounts that promoted unhealthy lifestyles. I don't force myself to train, either. I wake up in the morning and I feel like training! I never imagined that I would feel like that in my life. A huge hurdle I've had to overcome is that 'training' doesn't always need to mean spending 2 hours in the gym. Sometimes I go for a big walk on the beach, or I swim at the university pool. Sometimes I go for a run. But never do I 'force' myself to do an activity. I train how and when I feel like it.

I feel very fortunate to have so many strong and influential people in my life. I have seen the results of healthy eating first-hand and how much it can change a person. As a result, I've dramatically changed the way I eat and try to avoid non-vegan foods as much as I can. So far I have been feeling better than I have in years, and have no more stomach or muscle pain.

I'm on a journey to re-gain my health after struggling mentally and physically for many years. I'm not perfect, but I'm trying. This journey is not about weight loss or muscle growth. It's about feeling better from the inside out.

If you are interested in learning more I highly recommend checking out Michelle Bishop on Instagram or Facebook. She is an incredible woman with a very strong message! I used to idolize her when I was bodybuilding and she was too. In recent times she has come out to explain why she left that life behind and the happiness she has found. I have so much admiration for her because of her transparency and openness. Thank you, Michelle!

We are bombarded with messages and advertisements that remind us that we aren't good enough as we are. 

We need to be less fat, fitter, thinner, or more muscular. 

Fitness was supposed to be about increasing our health and personal well-being, wasn't it? 

Somehow it has manifested into a way of sexualizing our bodies and demanding attention from online and real-life followers. 

The values that these images project are cultivating their way into our culture and our beliefs, changing our way of life. 

I know because it happened to me.

Ladylifter.

I donned the nickname when I began lifting at 14 years old, chasing a physique and living a strict lifestyle that revolved around achieving my dream of becoming a muscular goddess. I thought that once I achieved it, I would finally find happiness. 

Sure, I looked healthy, acted confident, and seemed happy. But was I?

My goals would have looked a bit like this:

• save money for a competition suit

• hire a coach

• build 10lbs more muscle

• compete in a bodybuilding show

Brilliant goals, but it is sad to think that at 14 my life was centered around the way people would judge me standing on stage in a bikini with a fake tan. 

Attention is great motivation, and it certainly was for me. 

We post what we want people to see- our happy moments, our best selfies, our best body angles, our best looking food, and our best and most luxurious items. 

We reveal intimate parts of our lives and ourselves. 

We feel gratified by virtual likes and virtual followers.

And not surprisingly, this attention is also great fuel for fitness- for years it made me train harder, run longer and spend more time focusing on my appearance.

I trained and trained and trained, and one day I had finally achieved the physique I wanted. 

But there was much more than met the eye to just a girl who liked to lift weights.

I became engrossed in the attention I received and stopped training for me. I told myself that I needed to record my ‘journey’ for the world to see because it would keep me accountable. Instead, it lead to stalkers, anxiety issues, and an obsession with myself. I stopped talking to my friends and family and stopped caring about school. The rest of my life was put on the back burner as I became consumed with ‘fitness’ and seeking attention.

It got to a point where if no one was at the gym, I would leave because there was no one there to watch me. I couldn’t train in any empty gym because if no one was there to see my workout, it never happened. If I didn’t post on Instagram or Tumblr about something fitness related, my efforts in the gym weren’t valid. 

People had to know, and they had to care. 

What I received was indeed attention, but what I lost in the process was something no amount of training could ever get back.

I damaged relationships with everyone in my life, my self-image, and my mental health. I gave up on things that I was passionate about. I let people use me and forgot that I had any value as a person.

In the past two years I have spent time in and out of the gym, never fully committing to it the way I once did. Somehow, fitness felt like the enemy. 

It is difficult to train your mind to find a new motivation for something when you had become so accustomed to doing it for others.

Which leaves only one thing:

Me. 

My health, endurance, speed, agility…and my happiness. 

I have slowly learned how to disengage the people around me and focus on myself in the gym, but I’d be lying if I said it was easy. I am enjoying the challenge and the changes I am seeing in my mentality and self-image. 

I have an enormous amount of respect for all athletes, body builders and those in the fitness industry, but to untrained eyes and minds, some of the images they portray can be dangerous. There is a huge difference between helpful training videos and a close-up video of a someone's ass while they do wide-leg squats in thin tights on a smith machine. I want to know how I can be healthier and prepared to fight off a zombie in case of apocalypse, not increase my sex appeal, thanks. 

The images that we see plastered across social media, print advertising, and television that remind us that our bodies aren't good enough really worry me. These ideas are affecting us more and more and at younger ages than ever before, thanks to technology. No one, but especially young people, should be subject to seeing this crap all the time. 

These ridiculous ideologies are unnoticeably slipping themselves into our brains and we accept them as the truth. 

Something needs to change, and fast.

Do we really need to diet to lose those 10 extra pounds in order to be valued and liked? 

Being skinny, fit, or less fat won’t make me happier. I was miserable when I achieved my 'goal body'. I’m much bigger now and certainly happier than when I was obsessed with my body. I can't say there is a correlation between the two, but I see how important balance in all areas of my life is. 

Working on improving in all areas of my life has made me happier than defined muscles and a posing suit ever could!

Those ten extra pounds are our mornings breakfast dates at our favorite coffee spot. 

They are the Ben and Jerry's we enjoy with the girls while watching Nicholas Spark's latest tear-jerker. 

They are the Thanksgiving dinners where we eat way too much of  Mom's pumpkin pie (with extra Cool Whip).

They are the spontaneity in our lives, and saying yes to experiencing things with the people we love and not needing to constantly police ourselves. 

Those ten extra pounds remind me that I am human and imperfect, and that I have found the will to accept myself as I am, something that I have been searching for my whole life.

{a good egg}

Walking as quickly as I can across campus, I make my way from the library back to my room.

All I can picture is a little classic yellow truck and man named Jake that I met last summer. He's standing on his piece of Alberta prairie, surrounded by his 3 children. 

A little mobile home serves as shelter for his family, while he spends his days working the land. Desperately trying to make a living as a new immigrant to Canada, he supports his children and sick wife. 

I start walking faster, finally reaching my building. The stairs seem to have grown steeper and taller, but finally I reach the third floor. I push my key into the lock, burst through the door and throw myself onto my bed in tears.

The Chevy had been something of a miracle. My poppa and I had gone out 'picking'- searching for a needle in a haystack- and one man's golden treasure. As we pulled into the yard, I knew in my heart that we wouldn't be leaving empty handed.

As with any picking process, much of the experience comes in making the deal and buying right. After much negotiation, a mere $500 separated the buyer and seller.

If I had learned anything from the men in this world, it is that they are masters of painting a 'tough guy' face. Perhaps a result of gender expectations, this hardened shell was completely typical. Poppa was no exception, and his experience as a seasoned businessman meant that his game face was particularly strong.

Poppa and I let the decision incubate while we ate lunch. A few phone calls back and forth made tensions high. Although he was genuinely excited about the truck, he wasn't so sure that the deal could progress further, and the seller wouldn't budge on his price. I couldn't blame him- after all he had been teaching me all along that sometimes walking away from a deal was the best decision a person could make.

We had nearly left town when he turned to me and I asked me if he had made the right call. 

I've often been criticized, and criticized myself as being too "soft" and too sympathetic to others. I get caught up in the emotional side of things and can't seem to pass up an opportunity to help someone. In my mind, although $500 was a lot of money, I knew that it meant much more to the farmer than it did to my poppa. The opportunity to help the suffering family made losing the 'upper hand' completely worthwhile, especially by purchasing the truck he had been wishing for for so long.

What happened next was nothing short of a miracle in my eyes. Unveiling a new layer, he pushed his pride aside and reached for his phone. He called Jake and minutes later the deal was final. We met later that day to pay him, and he brought his family along with him. As the men were conversing, I glanced over to Jake's vehicle and to my surprise, I caught the eyes of his wife. She looked up at me and smiled, and although we were separated by physical and cultural distance, I could see the genuine appreciation in her eyes. 

A few weekends later I accompanied my poppa to go pick up his 'new' old truck. As he left the farm, he directed me to follow behind in our other vehicle to make sure that the old truck would run safely during our journey back home.

The gravel of rural Alberta slowly transitioned back into the smooth pavement of Highway 3, and as it did, he pulled up beside me and gave me one final nod. I turned on to the highway, and he followed close behind. With tires spinning, and the engine racing, I watched in surprise from my rear view mirror as he pressed on the pedal, hands locked to the steering wheel. The yellow truck flew by, with poppa behind the wheel, and a look so mischievous that even grandma would have been alarmed.

The truth is, the truck was dud. While it appeared sound, once it was taken apart, the body was a complete mess. Totally defeated, the truck was laid to rest and we even joked about holding a memorial for it.

Back in my room at university, I was finished with my 30 second cry. I called my partner and he came and gave me the biggest hug I've ever received. I walked down to Pita Pit and requested my poppa's favorite order, complete with a diet Pepsi.

It's been a long time since we've been to a car show together, or I've felt the excitement of going on a picking expedition.

Perhaps we should have walked away from the deal, leaving the yellow truck with the struggling farmer for someone else to purchase. Eventually, someone would have scooped up the truck and ended up in the same position. Yet as I sat in the library today feeling homesick, I remembered this story and although the memory brought me to tears, the lesson of it made me smile. 

The truth is, some of the toughest men (and women) in our lives are eggs. Good eggs, no doubt. But nonetheless, hard on the outside, and gooey inside whether they like to admit it or not. Kind, humble and loving gooey messes, even if they hide it well... And for that I am thankful. I'm glad that I spoke up and my poppa changed his decision before it was too late. The truck may not have been what we were expecting, but that's okay. Although we are not always in the position to help others, sometimes it is clear to us that an open door has appeared to do something kind in whatever capacity we can.

Each and every day, we are presented with a number of opportunities to do great things, and to be role models to others in the process. Sometimes saying "yes" to these opportunities can bring unimaginable blessings to others. It is amazing to imagine how the world might look if people were as passionate about giving as they were about receiving. 

Judging by the grin on my poppas face as I watched him flying past in the yellow Chev on that beautiful afternoon, 
I think he felt pretty blessed too.

"For what are we born if not to aid one another?"- Ernest Hemingway

{feeling the magic}

This is going to sound a little contradictory, considering that I have a blog where I write about some of my deepest thoughts. My lack of posts lately has had very little to do with a lack of thinking or topics to share. In fact, life lately has been filled with more wonder and information than ever before. 

When you leave some things up to imagination, the meaning of these things becomes more special. Some things really are better left unsaid, and not because they are less important. In fact, there are some things in life that we hold so dear that telling the world would take away the beauty of it. 

All too often we are focused on seeking affirmation from others about what we do. Posting online about our lives, we seek gratification and acceptance from our peers. 

Yet some moments aren't meant to be shared. 

Sometimes we must put down our phones, tuck away our headphones, and miss the photo opportunity. There is a sort of magic that happens in some moments that can't be recorded anyway, no matter how hard you try. 

Today when I woke up, my face was aching. My cheek muscles had a distinct soreness- the kind that is a result of too much laughter. I jumped out of bed and as I passed my mirror, I was taken back by the glow in my face. The girl who stared back at me was not the girl I remembered from months before. Something had changed. 

Someone very wise recently told me that I shouldn't think too much, and that the best way to live was to live in the moment. This simple advice was enough to spark a deeper sort of inspiration within me. 

Learn to trust yourself and to trust your heart. It might seem nice to have affirmation from others, but it's even nicer to have affirmation from yourself. Nothing is for certain, and few things last a lifetime. Over time, you will begin to feel your memories slipping out of reach. Words and pictures will seem like a blur. 

Yet the feeling you get in your tummy when your best friend makes you laugh so hard that you fall off your chair doesn't fade. 

The tightness in your chest when you tell someone how much they mean to you doesn't fade. 

The joy you feel in your heart when someone does something kind for you doesn't fade. 

Not every moment in our lives can be enjoyed equally but every moment should be felt. Your life will start to transform before your eyes when you start making the most of moments unfolding before you. Remember the feelings in those moments- but don't try to bottle it up. After all, some kinds of magic cannot be contained. 

- Kel

{what if money was no object?}

As it turns out, the human body doesn't adjust all that well to extreme temperature changes.

During my time home, I was fortunate enough to get to travel to Panorama Mountain Resort, a popular ski destination, where the temperature dropped to an excruciating -27 degrees. You can imagine the pure excitement I felt when I got back to the Gold Coast and it was clear sunny skies and 30 degrees out. So I thought to myself, "Great, I'll go hit up the beach for a couple hours. What could possibly go wrong?"

A lot can go wrong, Kelsey. A lot. 

So there I was, sitting on the beach yesterday in my togs, sunnies and sunhat with the hot Queensland sun beating down on me, daydreaming about the new, exciting semester before me.

Perhaps one of the coolest and most exciting things about my time abroad has been the ability to explore into new ideas and concepts that I probably wouldn't have considered looking into before. Specifically, I've been studying both religion and philosophy in my spare time, trying to find my own understanding of each. I've been really fortunate to have great influences in my life that help guide me in these areas. I feel that it is equally important to create your own understanding and set of values and morals to follow in your own life.

Some of the most interesting work that I have encountered has included the voice recordings of Alan Watts. Available on YouTube, he speaks about many great wonders that we all have in life, such as purpose, identity, love, worry, choices, and truthfulness to oneself. He decomposes complex concepts into smaller ideas which are both easy to follow and intriguing.

One of my most favorite pieces of his work is this video, in which he asks listeners:
what would you do if money was no object?
Hopefully this is something that you've thought about before, but I encourage you to watch the video anyways. While we may not all be able to understand our own answer to this difficult question, but it is amusing to think about it anyways. Over time, and as we ask ourselves these questions more and more, the answers start to become a little clearer.

Naturally, I have thought long and hard about this question, and I have a few answers. 

#1: I would like to live in a quaint little cottage somewhere near a body of water. I really love Vancouver Island, Eastern Canada, and of course Australia, but I'm not picky. I want it to be in a small community that is comfy- a place where you see people you know when you go to the grocery store but big enough to keep you busy.

#2: I want to be one of those 50 year old women who struts around her cute cottage in a big comfy sweater, and drinks a lot of tea. I also want a nice kitchen and a house that's a home, not something that resembles some sort of museum. I want there to be life in it- antiques, a few chips in the paint, family pictures throughout, with stories held within it's walls.

3#: I want to make a career using my talents as a writer and public speaker. I am continually deepening my knowledge of the field and finding new opportunities, and I want my career to stem from these things because I'm truly passionate about communication.

#4: I hereby promise that I will write a book. I think this might be the big one, but I'm not sure yet. I recently read a brilliant email on the Listserve  encouraging people to write books and I felt like the writer was speaking to me. I can't say where my life will lead me, or what I may be inspired to write a book about, but I know it's always been within me.

Those are my big 4, the things I would do if money was no object.
Take the time to check out Alan Watts' video and consider your thoughts on this. Throw your ideas into the comments section below, because I want to hear about them.


Mum, I know what you're thinking... And I totally did have sunscreen on. As I sit at my computer and type, every inch of my body is screaming and the evidence is clear- flaming red skin isn't exactly easy to hide. As I've said before, sometimes it's easier to feel the pain of a mistake than to admit that mum is right... Sometimes. (Not this time). That being said, if I want to be a cute older lady, I better start using better sunscreen and using my Aussie instinct to know when enough is enough (sun wise, this rule does not include wine). Lesson learned.

---

Also, I encourage you to check out Listserve, a daily email service that picks a subscriber at random to share their thoughts with the world.. If you subscribe you could be chosen! But otherwise, it is a nice thing to wake up to- an email from a surprise person writing about anything they are passionate about, with an infinate number of possible topics. It's bound to make you smile.
P.S. Thanks to Carlo for sharing this with me! Australia is not the same without you, my friend. I hope you are well in Washington. Xx

 - Kelsey

{goodbye 2015}

I WAS BORN
in Medicine Hat, on Superbowl Sunday, on a weekend in late January. I can't remember the last time I watched football. Most of my weekends growing up were spent at Hidden Valley snowboarding, or on ice rinks around the city playing ringette. I drive a truck, and I listen I faithfully listen to CHAT94.5.

This is my place.

It doesn't seem to long ago that I was begging my parents to let me move to Australia- but it might not be what you're thinking. My go-to strategy when I was younger and in a tough situation was to imagine what it would be like if I just packed my bags and went far, far away. I think we all envision this. However when I did eventually leave many years later, I didn't feel like I was escaping. In fact, I felt as if I had established myself a nice little life and I was quite sad to leave that behind. Sometime between my younger days and graduation, I realized that my attitudes would follow me wherever I went, and that my situation was a result of that.

I still see that today.

Being home again has brought many emotions- but I am happy to report that most have been positive. Several things have changed since I have been gone but I do believe that what changes most is us- how we perceive things is what differs most when we return to a place. Stores and businesses will come and go, but Medicine Hat will always be the same place where my roots link back to.

2015 has seen a great deal of change for me- much more than previous years. But despite all of the changes, I feel as if I am going into this new year with the best mindset yet. One of my biggest goals will be to use what I've been learning and write much more about my experiences on my blog. I'd like to see my list of drafts diminish and my number of posts increase!

People like the use the phrase, "new year, new me!" to express how they will believe that life will suddenly become completely different when that clock strikes midnight on the 31st of January. Perhaps the greatest realization is that things do not change within the blink of an eye or a tick of a clock. Great work takes great time. This year my challenge (and yours) is to be both persistent and patient in making those things happen. Think about your goals and make realistic plans to make them happen. Small progress is still progress.

That being said,
{You are under no obligation to be the same person you were last year, last month, or even 15 minutes ago}
....... so take advantage of that!

I want to say thank you to everyone who touched my life in 2015. It's been an incredible year.

- Kel

{the grass isn't greener}- a social media perspective

The following post popped up on my Facebook newsfeed a couple weeks ago (Portraits of America):

Source

This semester, we have been learning about Mass Media, including the presence of social media.

This morning as I was scrolling through Facebook, I clicked to a race (running)that was happening near me, hoping to find some information on the venue and a few more details. Within the description, it lists some of the things that are included in the "race package"- that is, the things you are will receive when you register for the race. The list included typical things like a t-shirt and water bottle, but what I read next truly surprised me:

... Wait...

You're telling me that I should participate in this run, not for health benefits, to spend time with my friends, or to train for a goal- but 
for an increased following on social media? 
So I can have a pretty profile picture that is "guaranteed to get HEAPS of likes!"? 

Not surprisingly, a little more investigation revealed that similar events in surrounding areas made the same promises.

It is one thing for a company to create a brand image and rely on the lifestyle and social media presence of it's users to carry that brand and promote it. Many fitness events and companies rely on this exact method to promote their events and products. The wearing of a branded clothing item can be seen as you paying the company- after all, you are a walking piece of advertisement and other consumers may be more inclined to buy their products as a result of you wearing it (consider how celebrities do this). This can be seen across all brands and companies, to some degree. It can be argued that it is inevitable and undoubtably a smart marketing technique. But something definitely "clicked" inside of me when I read the advertisement from this particular company. While I understood the message from a marketing perspective, what really irked me was the way in which they targeted the importance that we put on our social media presence. As a marketing technique, it's brilliant. But from a social perspective, it is a bit disgusting to consider how many people many have been convinced by those "priceless promises". Indeed, it was a also a true awakening about the what we post on social media as compared to what's really going on in our lives.

It's undeniable that many individuals care deeply about their social media presence and spend a great deal of time building platforms on which we can present ourselves in a particular way. For some, this might be so that others can identify them as a part of a group or ideology. Perhaps we resist posting certain things because of our job titles or audience. We hand-select things that we think will show a good reflection of our character. While this might seem good for us, it can be bad for others.

What is possibly most interesting about this concept is our somewhat unintentional desire to maintain "face". Positive face is better known as the desire to be well-known, liked and needed. Negative face is, naturally, the opposite. Social media users today are a great example of displaying the need to maintain this positive face and be "liked". We post pictures of our family, friends, new purchases, celebrations, and happy times in our lives. It is somewhat rare to see a post about a negative life event, unless it is concerning health. People who do post information that is revealing about negative details are often ridiculed (knowingly or unknowingly) by their peers as being immature and having exposed "too much". 
We have a natural tendency to sweep things "under the rug" and present our best possible faces to others, and rightfully so. The problem begins when we forget that others are doing the same.

I'm not suggesting that we should post a minute-by-minute playback of our lives, or that we should let the world know when our sky is falling. But perhaps we must remember that we what so from our peers is not a reflection of reality. The man in the portrait explained this well.

"“We’re surrounded by so much stimulation on social media that it’s hard for me to look at what other people are doing—or how they’re portraying themselves—and not think that I’m doing less well in comparison. At least, I don’t have the pictures to prove that I’m doing better. Because I know everyone is trying to show their best side on social media. We all bullshit. I think we’re all scared not to.”

Linking back to the advertisement for the race, it is clear to see why it is easy to target this need to be "liked". Selling an event by promises of an increased following on #instagram, flashy content for Snapchat, and new matches on Tinder (a dating app), uncovers shifting morals and values in our generation. 

A quick read through the comments section revealed a great piece of advice that sums up this great story. 
"Stop comparing your behind-the-scenes to someone else's highlight reel" - Amanda Roy

Social media is here to stay, and it is something that my generation, and older generations have generally come to accept. 
When we cut ourselves off from the online world, we lose increasing amount of opportunity, knowledge and connection. 
As the world shifts away from pen and paper and onto computer screens and mobile phones, the pressures to conform get stronger and stronger.

It is daunting to live in a world where we are sometimes more concerned with our online profile than our physical one- a word in which people go to extreme measures to increase their popularity. Our challenge is to understand that what we see is not a true reflection of those around us. When we look at our neighbor's grass through rose-colored glasses we miss the imperfections and downplay our own grass' positive qualities.

120 likes on a selfie might make you feel good for a while.
A handful of matches on Tinder might make you feel hot.
Retweets on Twitter might make you feel important.

The advert claims that all of those things are "PRICELESS".
In reality, people buy fame all the time. Numerous apps and websites make it possible to buy popularity in the form of likes and followers. Endless amounts of websites exist that explain how to increase the numbers of followers and likes that we receive. Not only do we as civilians do it, politicians and celebrities do, too. We are all guilty of being sucked into this false, constructed concept of power and fame.

{priceless}- of inestimable worth, invaluable

Our challenge is to see that what is TRULY priceless are moments that cannot be captured, time spent with people, the growth of children, revisiting a childhood hangout, seeing your closest friend get married, knowing that someone has changed positively because of something you did, finding something important that you lost, witnessing a miracle, falling in love, the list goes on......

Remember that.
Grow with that.
Try to let your existence in your corner of the world be enough to make you smile at least once day.
And if not, petting a dog usually helps.

{the greenness of your grass is only based on your perception of it}

- K